- June 2015, 10 years old
You looked as sweet and pure as you did the day I brought you home. Your face curled up, your paws lightly scrunched. You looked like my beautiful, sweet, rose. Your face, your muzzle, I still looked for movement, for breathing, despite the silence. Despite the coldness I felt as I held you.
I'm afraid of this memory, because I know that it will fade. So I have to capture it. I have to prevent you from dying again, in a whole new painful way. With this page, time will not capture you. It will not capture me.
I remember the face in the cage. The hermit crab food in one hand. And I decided I wanted you in the other. You were alone. And you were so beautiful. It was my childhood encapsulated into a moment.
And by some miracle, you came home with me. We were together, child and puppy. And I never thought I'd lose you as quickly as I did. You turned 10 last week. And now I'm all alone, facing the rest of the world, without a hint of your exceptional spirit. Because you were the rose that made all the flowers wish they could be one.
And I love you. You saved me. I miss the moments digging. Playing with lizards in the yard. Running agility and obedience. I miss them all. I miss having that one little heart that never left. Because you were more than that to me, you were the symbol of love in my life.
And I regret not seeing the signs of you dying. I regret being so stupid. I regret not deserving your love. Because you should still be here now. You should be here next to me. And this page should not exist. You should not be at any bridge besides the one near our house, I don't care if it is a rainbow.
As we drove to the hospital, I brushed every strand of hair. I removed every tangle. And I looked into your beautiful brown eyes for what would be the last time. You were beautiful. And your eyes couldn't close, because I don't think you ever wanted to go.
Just know I love you, my eternal rose.
A Poem for a Rose
I regret the nights that I never claimed
A time that never wondered
A dream that never became
And as you stand from where you are
Among the stairs of heaven's guard
Do you even know my name?
Do you know who I am?
Is it all sill the same?
In the whispers of the wind
Of which you now wander
Do you become alive?
Or our prayers just hopeful teary last moment ponders
And will time reclaim you, all for itself?
Taking my memory, taking myself.
Will you remember, as I walk through the door
Will I remember you, will it be as before?
Will this moment come back, and all of the tears
As we become young, and feel all the years
And please tell me now, before you go
Please tell me anything, because you must know
I don't care the words, I don't care the meaning
In the end all I want to see, is a single heart beating.
For no matter how much I loved you, it didn't replace your breathing.
In the end of all it was
An eternal rose bleeding,
Its sweet sighed smack
Of a single line
That I'll never be able to re-enact
In the end, dear time, just please
Give me my Rosie back.
Mudd Brieden or Umpa Lumpa - June 2015, 6 years old
Mudd was the happiest dog ever. He loved to chase bubbles and his annoying squeaky toys. He was there anytime I was upset and even licked me before he left me as if he was still taking care of me. A piece of my heart is empty. I hurt and cry every day for you. There is so much I wish I would have done differently and maybe you would still be here with me. I miss you so much. I know it has only been a couple of days but I don't think this pain will ever go away. I am empty inside.
Click here to navigate to other locations on this site.